Detergent

A certain rich businessman had a beautiful daughter, who fell in love with a guy who was a cleaner. When the girl's father came to know about their love, he did not like it at all, and so began to protest about it.

Now it happened that the two lovers decided to leave their homes for a happy future. The girl's father started searching for the two lovers but could not find them.

At last, he accepted their love and asked them to come back home in a local newspaper. Her father said "If you both come back I will allow you to marry the guy you love, I accept that you loved each other truly".

So in this way, their love won and they returned homes.

The couple went to town to shop for the wedding dress. He was dressed in white shirt that day. While he was crossing the road to the other side to get some drinks for his fiancées, a car came and hit him and he died on the spot. The girl lost her senses. It was only after sometime that she recovered from her shock. The funeral and cementation was the very next day because he had died horribly.

Two nights later, the girl's mother had a dream in which she saw an old lady. The old lady asked her mother to wash the blood stains of the guy from her daughter's dress as soon as possible. But her mother ignored the dream.

The next night her father had the same dream, he also ignored it. Then when the girl had the same dream the next night, she woke up in fear and told her mother about the dream. Her mother asked her to wash the clothes which has blood stains immediately.

She washed the stains but some remained. Next night she again had the same dream she again washed the stains but some still remained.

Next night she again had the same dream and this time the old lady gave her a last warning to wash the blood stain, or else something terrible will happen. This time the girl tried her best to wash the stains, and the clothes nearly tore, but some stains still remained.

She was very tired.

In the late evening the same day while she was alone at home, someone knocked the door. When she opened the door she saw the same old lady of her dream standing at her door. She got very scared and fainted.

The old lady woke her up..., and gave her a blue object, which shocked the girl. She asked "What is this..? "

The old lady replied...
"Try Dynamo Liquid Soap... just a dab and it will remove all stubborn stains!!!"

Buah hahahahahahaah.........

Reunion 20 Years Later

JavaLish

Wakijan dan Paijo (orang asli Jawa) baru belajar bahasa Inggris 1 minggu, sudah nggak tahan pergi berlibur keAustralia. Mereka berusaha berbicara dalam bahasaInggris semampunya supaya tidak kelihatan udik.
Nah inilah hasilnya kalau jawa medok paksain ngomongInggris, akhirnya terciptalah Javalish (javanese-english - similar to singlish, singapore-english).

Wakijan: Jo better we go walking walking (jalan2)
Paijo: Yo jan ok I agree la wong boring garing (sudah bosen sampai kering)
Wakijan: Waduh the scenery looks not play (bukan main)
Paijo: Your granny (Mbahmu) scenery like tat is not good la wong only padang sand (padang pasir). Somemore hot like ask forgiveness (panasnya minta ampun).

Saat itu mereka jumpa dengan gadis Australia yang seksi memberi senyum. Lalu wakijan kasih salam hangat juga.
Wakijan: Gud morrning girl, how err yu cah ayu?
Cewek Aus: ??? Fine thank you
Wakijan: Come back (maksudnya terima kasih kembali)
Lalu ceweknya balik ke wakijan dan heran kenapa disuruh balik.

Cewek: Hai, what's wrong?
Wakijan (pikirnya ceweknya tertarik ama dia-GR): Girl Lets corner (mojok yuk).
Paijo: Jan dun be surplus (jangan berlebihan). Later she wont happy heart (tidak senang hati), long long she can call boyfriend and we hit by stone (lama lama dia bisa panggil pacarnya dan kita kena batunya)
Cewek: Hmm all of you so crizy.
Wakijan: Yes we ar delicious crizy (enak gila)

Lalu ceweknya pergi dengan sebel.

Wakijan: Hey girl sorry, if I make u feel not delicious (berperasaan tidak enak), different river(lain kali) I will not be various (saya tidak macam2 kok).

Karena kesal Wakijan melimpahkannya pada Paijo.

Wakijan:Disturbing aja Jo, basic your ancestor (dasar nenek moyangmu) never let me feel happy a little (tidak rela lihat saya sedikit bahagia).
Paijo: Just itchy Jan, because you disturb girl like your belly bottom (cuma gatal, karena kamu gangguin cewek seenak udelmu).
Lalu Wakijan bergumam: Hmm his name is also effort JanJan (namanya juga usaha)

America VS Malaysia

US: We have mocha
MY: We have "NesLo"

US: We have cappucino
MY: We have teh tarik

US: We have pancake
MY: We have roticanai

US: We have the Golden Gate
MY: We have the Penang Bridge

US: We have "Star Spangled Banner"
MY: We have "Jalur Gemilang"

US: Damn it! What do you have that we don't?
MY: We still have our TwinTOWERS! You've lost yours.

US: &*^$%^&()*&%$&n bsp

W.O.M.A.N.

Recently a 'Husband Super Store' opened where women could go to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended. The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return.

A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping centre to find some husbands...

First floor
The door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids."
The women read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having a job or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they went.

Second floor
The sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking." "Hmmm," said the ladies, "But, I wonder what's further up?"

Third floor
This sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework." "Wow," said the women, "Very tempting." But there was another floor, so further up they went.

Fourth floor
This door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak." "Oh, mercy me," they cried, "Just think what must be awaiting us further on!" So up to the fifth floor they went.

Fifth floor
The sign on that door said, "This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are impossible to please. The exit is to your left, we hope you fall down the stairs."

Letter for a Tuesday Morning

My dear Jagjit,
I am in a well here and hoping you are also in a well there.

I'm writing this letter slowly, because I know you cannot read fast.

We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen 20 miles from home, so we moved 20 miles.
I won't be able to send the address as the last Sardar who stayed here took the house numbers with them for their new house so they would not have to change their address.
Hopefully by next week we will be able to take our earlier address plate here, so that our address will remain same too.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine, situated right above the toilet. I'm not sure it works too well. Last week I put in 3 shirts, pulled the chain and haven't seen them since.

The weather here isn't too bad. It rained only twice last week. The first time it rained for 3 days and second time for 4 days.
The coat you wanted me to send you, your Aunt said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with all the metal buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pocket.

Your father has another job. He has 500 men under him. He is cutting the grass at the cemetery.
By the way I took Bahu to our club's poolside. The manager is Badmash. He told her that two piece swimming suit is not allowed in his club. We were confused as to which piece should we remove?

Your sister had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether it is a girl or a boy, so I don't know whether you are an Aunt or Uncle.

Your uncle, Jetinder fell in the nearby well. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off bravely and was drowned. We cremated him and he was burned for three days.

Your best friend, Balwinder, is no more. He died trying to fulfill his father's last wishes. His father had wished to be buried in the sea after he died. And your friend died while in the process of digging a grave for his father.

There isn't much more news this time. Nothing much has happened.

Love Mom.

P.S : Jagjit, I was going to send you some money but by the time I realized, I had already sealed off this letter.

Intermezzo

Testing ..... Testing,
Setetes langsung bunting,
Bapaknya siapa itu nggak penting,
Makin besar makin pusing,
Makanya pake kondom ujungnya jangan digunting.

Men sexual ages
20's : Try daily
30's : Try weekly
40's : Try monthly
50's : Try n try
60's : Try n cry
70's : Try n die

SELAMAT !
Anda berkesempatan memenangkan HP Nokia 8850 dariPepsodent.
Segera kirimkan 2 gigi depan Anda beserta gusinyake POBox 9918.
Buruan kirim.

Kabar gembira
Sekarang HP anda telah dilengkapi dengan fasilitas nada sela, jadi anda dapat menerima telepon disela pintu,jendela,asal jangan disela paha saja.

Selamat pagi
Untuk layanan dalam bahasa Indonesia tekan 1
Untuk layanan dalam bahasa prokem tekan 3
Untuk layanan dalam bahasa gaul tekan 5
Untuk layanan bahasa tubuh tekan sekenanya dan sepuasnya .....

Pantun tentang diriku :
Buah nangka buah duren.....
Kagak nyangka gua keren,
Buah nangka buah manggis....
Kagak nyangka gua manis,
Ada gula ada semut.....
Ih gila gua imut

Hai ..... orang-orang beriman,
Janganlah kau meminum minuman keras,
karena minuman keras itu minuman setan,
Kalau kau tetap meminumnya, setan minum apa ?

Feeling sad & lonely?
CALL ME !!
Feel U have nobody to talk to?
CALL ME !!
Feeling crazy & weird?
CALL RSJ GROGOL
Tel 38501411

7 RULES 2 BE HAPPY :
1. free ur heart from hate
2. free ur mind from worry
3. live simple
4. expect less
5. give more
6. always smile
7. have a friend like me

Kau gerayangi tubuhku,
Sesekali suaramu bikin aku kian napsu
Kau ciumi aku
Begitu kau tusukkan anumu ke ituku, uh .....
darah ..... dan ..... "PLAK .....!"
mati kau nyamuk sialan.

4 Keajaiban Pria :
1. Dapat masuk goa tanpa lampu
2. Dapat mengepit telur tanpa pecah
3. Dapat dijadikan MIC tanpa batere
4. Bisa tegang tanpa aliran listrik

Kau di atas aku di bawah,
Kau mengangkang aku senang,
Kau mulai basah aku tenang,
Kau lemas akupun basah,
Oh .......... payungku !
Ternyata masih hujan.

Cheer Up Jokes

Elaine : What is the opposite of 'You Say'?
Shawn : Mmmmmm . . . Aahha! The answer is 'I say'.
Elaine : Wrrrrrrrrong. It is . . . "SEIYU".
Shawn : Eeeeeeeeeehhhh???

A customer went to snack bar and ordered a hamburger. When 20 minutes had gone and his food hadn't arrived, the irritate customer asked the waiter.
Customer: Will my hamburger be long?
Waiter: No, sir...it will be round.

Diner: Waiter, look at this chicken, nothing but skin and bones.
Waiter: What else do u want, feathers?
Diner: I can't eat such a rotten chicken. Call the manager!
Waiter: It's no use. He won't eat it either.
Diner: You'll drive me to my grave!
Waiter: Well, you don't expect to walk there, do you?

Almost bald man: Why do u always charge me double? You ought to charge me cheaper for I don't have much hair!
Barber: No, no! We don't charge for cutting the hair! We charge for having to search for it!

New prisoner comes to prison cell.
Convicts: What has happened with you that you are here?
Prisoner: I have broken a window on my job place.
Convicts: It's unbelievable! Where did you work?
Prisoner: On a submarine.

SAND AND STONE

A story tells that two friends were walking through the desert. During some point of the journey they had an argument, and one friend slapped the other one in the face.
The one who got slapped was hurt, but without saying anything, wrote in The sand: TODAY MY BEST FRIEND SLAPPED ME IN THE FACE."

They kept on walking until they found an oasis, where they decided to take a bath. The one who had been slapped got stuck in the mire and started drowning, but the friend saved him. After he recovered from the near drowning, he wrote on a stone: "TODAY MY BEST FRIEND SAVED MY LIFE."

The friend who had slapped and saved his best friend asked him, "After I hurt you, you wrote in the sand and now, you write on a stone, why?"

The other friend replied: "When someone hurts us we should write it down in sand where winds of forgiveness can erase it away. But, when someone does something good for us, we must engrave it in stone where no wind can ever erase it."

LEARN TO WRITE YOUR HURTS IN THE SAND AND TO CARVE YOUR BENEFITS IN STONE.
They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them, but then an entire life to forget them.

GUYONAN

PERPUSTAKAAN

Di tengah malam, telepon di rumah seorang petugas perpustakaan bernama Bobi berdering.

"Selamat malam. Maaf mau tanya, perpustakaan buka jam berapa ya?" tanya suara seorang lelaki di telepon.

"Ya ampun, Anda menelepon tengah malam begini hanya ingin tahu kapan perpusatakaan buka?" tanya Bobi.

"Tapi ini sangat penting," kata penelepon.

"Jam sembilan pagi," kata Bobi.

"Jam sembilan ??? Tidak bisa lebih pagi lagi?" tanya si penelepon.

"Memangnya kenapa Anda ingin datang pagi-pagi?" tanya Bobi.

"Siapa bilang saya ingin datang? Saya ingin keluar dari perpustakaan ini...



"DARI MANA DULU ?

Penjaga kolam menghampiri seorang anak lelaki dan menegurnya,"Kamu tidak boleh kencing di kolam renang ini, mengerti?!

"Dengan wajah tak mengerti si anak berkata, "Tapi semua orang kan pada kencing di kolam??"

Penjaga mencoba bersabar, "Iya, memang. Tapi kencingnya tidak dari atas papan loncat."

My Friend

If you should die before me,
ask if you could bring a friend.
Stone Temple Pilots

If you live to be a hundred,
I want to live to be a hundred minus one day,
so I never have to live without you.
Winnie the Pooh

True friendship is
like sound health;
the value of it is
seldom known
until it is lost.
Charles Caleb Colton

A real friend
is one who walks in
when the rest of the world walks out.

Don't walk in front of me,
I may not follow.
Don't walk behind me,
I may not lead.
Walk beside me and
be my friend.
Albert Camus

Strangers are just friends waiting to happen.
Friends are the Bacon Bits in the Salad Bowl of Life.
Friendship is one mind in two bodies.
Mencius

Friends are God's way of taking care of us.
I'll lean on you and you lean on me and we'll be okay
Dave Matthews

If all my friends were to jump off a bridge,
I wouldn't jump with them,
I'd be at the bottom to catch them.

Everyone hears what you say.
Friends listen to what you say.
Best friends listen to what you don't say.

We all take different paths in life,
but no matter where we go,
we take a little of each other everywhere.
Tim McGraw

My father always used to say that when you die,
if you've got five real friends,
then you've had a great life
Lee Iacocca

Hold a true friend with both your hands.
Nigerian Proverb

A friend is someone who knows
the song in your heart
and can sing it back to you
when you have forgotten the words.
Unknown

How Heavy is a Glass of Water?

A lecturer was giving a lecture to his students on stress management.

He raised a glass of water and asked the audience, "How heavy do you think this glass of water is? The students' answers ranged from 20g to 500gm.

"It does not matter on the absolute weight. It depends on how long you hold it. If I hold it for a minute, it is Ok. If I hold it for an hour, I will have an ache in my right arm. If I hold it for a day, you will have to call an ambulance. It is the exact same weight, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes."

"If we carry our burdens all the time, sooner or later, we will not be able to carry on, the burden becoming increasingly heavier. What you have to do is to put the glass down, rest for a while before holding it up again."

We have to put down the burden periodically, so that we can be refreshed and are able to carry on.

When you return home from work, put the burden of work down. Don't carry it into your home. You can pick it up tomorrow.

Rest and relax

Dog and its owner... Matching

A friend is someone who makes the world we live in a better and happier place


A friend is someone who fills our lives with beauty, joy, and grace.


A friend is someone we treasure for our friendship is a gift.
A friend is someone we turn to when our spirits need a lift.

There is a miracle called friendship, that dwells in the heart. You do not know how it happens or when it gets it's start

But you know the special lift it always brings. You realize that friendship is God's most precious gift!

But you know the special lift it always brings. You realize that friendship is God's most precious gift!

SKIN

A married couple were in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny.
So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks.
The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honour their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and went on and on about his youthful beauty!

One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?" "My darling," she replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheeks

Lelucon Singkat

1. Pak Haji lihat majalah porno. ketika buka halaman pertama, dia berseru "YA ALLAH". Halaman kedua dia berseru "YA RASUL'. Halaman terakhir dia berseru "YA HABIS..."

2. kalo orang bilang kamu judes, sabar aja. Kalo orang bilang kamu reseh, senyumin aja. Tapi kalo ada orang bilang kamu cakep, tonjok aja tuh orang, karena itu FITNAH!!!

3. IF u need ADVICE, message me. If u need FRIEND, call me. IF u need HELP, e-mail me. If u need MONEY, nomor yg anda tuju tidak dapat dihubungi. terima kasih

4. Seorang nenek yang nyebrang jalan hampir ketabrak motor. Pengendara motor marah : "Nenek bego! Nyebrang jalan gak liat2!" Nenek sewot : "Lo yg bego!! Nabrak nenek-nenek aja gak kena..!!"

5. Hasil survey membuktikan bahwa 99% cewe milih cowo karena punya wibawa :wii...BAWA mobil sport, wii...BAWA uang banyak,wii...BAWA handphone 10 jt, wii...BAWA credit card, wi...BAWA body guard!!!!

6. Seorang tukang roti ditabrak metro mini, lalu polisi datang dan bertanya, "ada apa Pak??" Si tukang roti yang uda sekarat menjawab, "ada nanas, keju, coklat, dan mocca.."

7. Saat kau sedih tak satupun yang menyadari kesedihanmu. Saat bahagia tak satupun melihat senyumu. Tapi saat kau kentut, semau menoleh kepadamu. MENYEDIHKAN SEKALI...;

8. Di neraka Malaikat bertanya pada wanita A&B. Pernah selingkuh??
A:Belum pernah!
M:Kamu dapat kunci sorga emas!
B:Saya sering, asik sih!
M:OK, kamu dapat kunci kamar saya hehehe

9. Suatu malam BRAD PITT ke diskotik. Temen2 ga sabar bujuk dia supaya ikut goyang.:"Ayo, goyang dong Brad! Goyang dong Brad!". Dari situ lah lagu GOYANG DOMBRAT tercipta..

10. Selamat! Anda mendapatkan kado dari DIGITAL LG. Pilih kado berikut ini :
1. DIGI-LAS mobil
2. DIGI-LING truk
3. DIGI-RING polisi
4. DIGI-GIT anjing


11. When i see baby, i remember "TEDDY BEAR DOLL".
When i see a little girl, i remember "BARBIE DOLL".
But when i see u, i remember "PANADOL"

12. Orang AMERIKA kentut bilang EXCUSE ME.
Orang British kentut bilang PARDON ME.
Orang SINGAPORE kentut bilang I'M SORRY.
Kalo Orang Indonesia kentut, pasti bilang NOT ME!! NOT ME!!

Posted to Indonesia Forum by Ida Abidin

Kombak-Kambek Five Thousand

Setelah bertanya letak kebun binatang itu kepada petugas hotel tempatnya menginap, akhirnya seorang turis memutuskan untuk mengunjunginya dengan naik becak. Sebab semua jenis angkutan sudah pernah ia coba kecuali becak.
Sambil membawa ransel kecilnya turis inipun segera memanggil tukang becak yang mangkal di depan hotelnya.
"How much to Gembira Loka?" tanya sang turis.
Sambil memekarkan lima jari tangan kanannya si tukang becak menjawab, "Five thousand kombak-kambek mister !".

Ita yang Centil

Ita baru masuk SMU, masa-masa pubernya bikin dia centil dan suka ngerjain orang. Kali ini dia dapet kata-kata baru buat ngerjain orang.
Hari pertama, dia nelepon temannya :"Rin, gue udah tau semuanya !""Hah.." Suara disana terdengar lemas."Ta, elu jangan bilang Indri kalo gue jalan sama cowoknya ya Ta. Gue ada voucher makan di HokBen, elu jangan bilang-bilang yah. Sori gue cuma bisa ngasih itu doang."

"Okelah, gue sih terima aja, lu kan temen gue." Begitu telepon ditutup, Ita langsung teriak girang."Wah oke juga nih, gue dapet voucher HokBen !! Coba gue praktekin lagi."

Kali ini Ita masuk kamar kakaknya dan langsung bicara pelan didekat kuping kakaknya yang lagi tiduran. "Wa, gue udah tau semuanya. Ternyata gitu ya Wa."
Dewa langsung bangun, mengambil sebuah kunci dan berbisik pada Ita."Ta, lu boleh pake mobil sebulan penuh plus gue kasih bensinnya. Tapi jangan bilang Papi kalo gue nge-gele yah !!!"

"Beres. "Ita benar-benar girang, kali ini dia mencegat Papinya yang baru pulang kerja."Pah,." Ita mengejar Papinya yang cuek bebek "Pah, Ita mau ngomong.""Ada apa sih Ta ?!! Papa capek nih.""Ita udah tau semuanya Pah..." Mendadak Papanya celingukan, mengeluarkan HP dan menelepon seseorang, "Ta, Credit Card kamu udah Papa aktifkan lagi. Tapi !!! Jangan pernah bilang Mama soal si Ijah.
"Ita girang campur sebel. Ternyata Papanya menduakan Mama cuma demi pembantunya si Ijah.

Ita langsung berlari tanpa sepatah katapun. Diluar, Ita bertemu Pak Udi, sopirnya yang sudah belasan tahun bekerja dirumahnya. Ita mulai usil lagi. Dia kesal juga, pasti dia tau soal si Ijah, tapi bungkam selama ini, gue kerjain juga nih, pikirnya.
"Pak !!!" Ita benar-benar membuat kaget sopirnya "Saya sudah tau semuanya."Pak Udi terbengong, dan perlahan meneteskan airmata. Ita malah bingung.
"Ita !!! Peluklah Bapakmu ini Sayang. Akhirnya kau tahu juga Nak !"

Magic WordsPosted to Indonesia Forum by Listy

Takut Istri

Memberikan contoh dengan lelucon adalah kebiasaan Gus Dur ketika berpidato.
Tujuannya, kata kyai ini agar hadirin dapat memahami maksud dari apa yang disampaikan.

Dalam sebuah forum yang membahas soal kesetaraan laki-laki dan perempuan, seorang peserta bertanya kepada kyai eksentrik ini, yang isinya mungkin agak "pribadi." Peserta itu bertanya, apakah Kyai sebesar Gus Dur juga takut pada istri?
Mendengar pertanyaan yang "sensistif" itu Gus Dur menjelaskan dengan "bijak" (jika tidak mau disebut berkelit).

"Begini ya..... Saya punya cerita," kata Gus Dur memulai, sementara peserta sudah siap-siap dengan serius mendengarkan jawaban tentang "jeroan" rumah tangga Gus Dur.
"Nanti di akhirat, orang dibagi dua barisan,"Gus Dur melanjutkan, "barisan pertama untuk orang-orang yang takut sama istrinya. Barisan kedua untuk yang berani sama istrinya."
Peserta seminar yang tadinya serius, langsung dapat menerka ini pasti guyonan.
"Di barisan pertama orang antri berduyun-duyun. Ternyata di barisan kedua cuma ada satu orang, badanya kecil lagi."
Orang-orang di barisan pertama heran melihat si kecil itu sendirian. Mereka pikir berani sekali tuh orang kecil-kecil.
Lalu dikirim delelgasi dari barisan pertama untuk menanyakan. Datanglah delegasi itu pada si kecil dia bertanya, "Hey kamu koq berani banget baris sendirian disini, emangya kamu nggak takut sama istri kamu?"
Mendengar pertanyaan itu, si kecil menjawab "Wah.... saya juga nggak tahu nih. Saya disini disuruh istri saya."

Atas jawaban dari sang Kyai, seluruh peserta langsung terbahak. Tahulah mereka maksudnya, kesimpulannya semua laki-laki di dunia......


Nyontek dari http://kolom-humor.blogspot.com

Tebak-tebakan yok...

Kalo dimasukkan lurus, tapi keluarnya bengkok.... apa hayo??
Jawabannya adalah........................ UUU alias triple U yaitu........utik utik upil...

Suatu malam pak haji habis pulang pengajian dengan busana muslim lengkap dengan sarung, tapi nggak pake cd...katanya biar isis!!! Pada saat nyampe pager depan rumah, ternyata dikunci soalnya sudah malem... dia lalu thingak-thinguk ngeliat ada orang lewat apa nggak... begitu pasti kalo keadaan sepi, diapun langsung melompat pager dengan nyincing sarungnya....otomatis "si udin" menongolkan dirinya... pada saat yang sama lewatlah seorang cewek.... dengan terpana melihat ke pak haji, si cewek bilang "waauuw.....!!" dengan tenang namun tegas, pak hajipun menjawab "sssstttt,... ini bukan wau, tapi alif!!!"

Banyolan tentang Munyuk..

Munyuk dan moyangnya..
One day seorg kakek tua penjual topi sedang istirahat di bawah pohon yang diatasnya banyak munyuknya. Setelah bangun ia terkaget2 karena topinya gak ada ( dipakai para memunyuk tadi). Lalu ia cari cara agar topinya kembali. Lalu ia memegang hidungnya, para memunyuk tadi menirukan, dan seterusnya. Akhirnya, ia membuang topinya dan dapat diduga para munyukpoen menirunya.
Few years later, ada seorang penjual topi, ternyata darmo munyuk yg kebetulan keturunan si kakek tadi. Ketika tertidur di bawah pohon dan terbangun ia kaget karena semua topinya hilang, ternyata topinya diambil munyuk2 tadi. Lalu ia teringat cerita kakeknya yang dulu, ia memegang hidungnya dan para munyuk menirunya, ia pikir petuah kakeknya benar.
Akhirnya ia membuang topinya dengan tujuan si monyet juga membuangnya.

Tetapi apa yg terjadi?????

Ternyata salah seorang (hah?? bukannya seekor) munyuk turun dan mengambil topinya seraya berkata: "Hahaha..memangnya cuma kamu yang punya kakek" dan disambut koor tawa dari para rekannya "hihihihihi"

mbak TUTUT

Dahulu rakyat Aceh pernah ingin memberi gelar pada Tutut. Dia diundang ke Aceh untuk menerima gelar tersebut. Namun saat upacara berlangsung Tutut tidak mau menerima gelar tersebut dan langsung cabut pulang.
Usut punya usut ternyata gelar untuk wanita Aceh adalah Cut Nya... dan gelar buat Tutut adalah Cut Nya-Tut.

Tutut yang kecewa berat berusaha menghubungi suaminya dan diterima oleh sekretaris Rukmana via telpon. "Halo, bisa bicara dengan Pak Rukmana?", tanya Tutut. "Dari siapa?" tanya sang sekretaris. "Istrinya...." jawab Tutut.
"Oh tunggu sebentar Bu-Ruk" minta sang sekretaris, dan langsung Tutut menutup telpon.

Tutut kembali kecewa. Ia pun langsung menghubungi Bina Graha. "Selamat siang bisa bicara dengan pak Presiden?" tanyanya lewat telpon. "Dari siapa Bu?' tanya sang ajudan.
"Dari putri sulungnya Pak" Tegas tutut dengan menyisakan nada kecewa berat, Sang ajudan pun segera menjawab "Mohon tunggu sebentar Bu-Tut" dan langsung Tutut menutup telpon.

Akhirnya ia memilih langsung telpon ke handphone Presiden. Pak Presiden mengangkat teleponnya. "Selamat siang Bapak. Bagaimana Bapak memberi saya nama, masa saya di Aceh di panggil Cut Nya Tut. Sedangkan sekretaris suami saya memanggil saya Bu Ruk dan ajudan Bapak memanggil saya Bu Tut."
Bapak Presiden menjawab "Ya sudah, biar ken-Tut. Bukan maksud mereka begitu kok".

hahahahaha...

DONT be too busy for a friend....

One day a teacher asked her students to list the names of the other students in the room on two sheets of paper, leaving a space between each name. Then she told them to think of the nicest thing they could say about each of their classmates and write it down. It took the remainder of the class period to finish their assignment, and as the students left the room, each one handed in the papers.

That Saturday, the teacher wrote down the name of each student on a separate sheet of paper, and listed what everyone else had said about that individual.
On Monday she gave each student his or her list. Before long, the entire class was smiling. "Really?" she heard whispered. "I never knew that I meant anything to anyone!" and, "I didn't know others liked me so much." were most of the comments. No one ever mentioned those papers in class again. She never knew if they discussed them after class or with their parents, but it didn't matter. The exercise had accomplished its purpose. The students were happy with themselves and one another.

That group of students moved on.
Several years later, one of the students was killed in Viet Nam and his teacher attended the funeral of that special student. She had never seen a serviceman in a military coffin before. He looked so handsome, so mature.The church was packed with his friends. One by one those who loved him took a last walk by the coffin. The teacher was the last one to bless the coffin.
As she stood there, one of the soldiers who acted as pallbearer came up to her. "Were you Mark's math teacher?" he asked. She nodded: "Yes."
Then he said: "Mark talked about you a lot."

After the funeral, most of Mark's former classmates went together to a luncheon. Mark's mother and father were there, obviously waiting to speak with his teacher.
"We want to show you something," his father said, taking a wallet out of his pocket. "They found this on Mark when he was killed. We thought you might recognize it."
Opening the billfold, he carefully removed two worn pieces of notebook paper that had obviously been taped, folded and refolded many times. The teacher knew without looking that the papers were the ones on which she had listed all the good things each of Mark's classmates had said about him."Thank you so much for doing that," Mark's mother said. "As you can see, Mark treasured it."

All of Mark's former classmates started to gather around. Charlie smiled rather sheepishly and said, "I still have my list. It's in the top drawer of my desk at home."
Chuck's wife said, "Chuck asked me to put his in our wedding album."
"I have mine too," Marilyn said. "It's in my diary." Then Vicki, another classmate, reached into her pocketbook, took out her wallet and showed her worn and frazzled list to the group. "I carry this with me at all times," Vicki said and without batting an eyelash, she continued: "I think we all saved our lists."

That's when the teacher finally sat down and cried. She cried for Mark and for all his friends who would never see him again. The density of people in society is so thick that we forget that life will end one day. And we don't know when that one day will be. So please, tell the people you love and care for, that they are special and important. Tell them, before it is too late.

And One Way To Accomplish This Is: Forward this message on. If you do not send it, you will have, once again passed up the wonderful opportunity to do something nice and beautiful. If you've received this, it is because someone cares for you and it means there is probably at least someone for whom you care.If you're "too busy" to take those few minutes right now to forward this message on, would this be the VERY first time you didn't do that little thing that would make a difference in your relationships? The more people that you send this to, the better you'll be at reaching out to those you care about. Remember, you reap what you sow. What you put into the lives of others comes back into your own.

HoW MuCH You FLiRT??

How much you flirt?? Now read this carefully! (Quite True)

Question 1.
Late at night, you are partying with a friend of the opposite sex. If you don't leave now, you would miss the last bus. What would you do?

a. Who cares...continue to party -- Go To Question 2

b. Ask if he would send you home -- Go To Question 3

c. Say "Good-Bye" to him and run after the bus -- Go To Question 4


Question 2.
While having a meal with a friend, you saw that what he/she had ordered seemed quite delicious. Would you ask to have a taste of his/her food?

a. Yes --- Go to Question 5

b. No --- Go to Question 6


Question 3.
You saw something nice while shopping but you don't have the means to buy it. Would you...

a. Shrug your shoulders and forget it. --- Go to Question 7

b. Go ahead and flash your credit card --- Go to Question 6


Question 4.
You have a job offer that is paying better than your present job. You would...

a. It’s a good offer. Type your resignation letter now
--- Go to Question 8.

b. The present boss is treating you well. Stay cause of loyalty!
--- Go to Question 7.


Question 5.
Your views on school regulations are...

a. Would never compromise to them. --- Go To Question 9.

b. See it there is loopholes and try to get thru them.
--- Go to Question 10.

c. Would definitely keep to them! --- Go To Question 12.


Question 6.
A person from the opposite sex expresses his/her love for you would...

a. Smile and think highly of your charms --- Go to Question 9.

b. Reject him/her and keep a distance --- Go To Question 10.

c. Run off without even answering! --- Go To Question 12.


Question 7.
You are in your boyfriend/girlfriend's bedroom and you saw a photo of him/her with his/her old flame. You would...

a. See and forget because it’s all in the past. --- Go to Question 10.

b. Get real mad and leave the room. --- Go to Question 11.


Question 8.
Would you rewrite a lecture note again because your handwriting is untidy?

a. Yes --- Go To Question 12.

b. No --- Go To Question 11.


Question 9.
When wearing a pair of mini skirts/ shorts, what would u choose as the top?

a. A tight fitting tee --- Go to Question 13.

b. A loose fitting tee --- Go to Question 14.


Question 10.
On a tour, the tour guide specifically tells you not to venture to a certain area because it’s dangerous. Would you out of curiosity, go ahead without listening to him?

a. Yes --- go to Question 13.

b. No --- go to Question 14.


Question 11.
When out with a friend of the same sex, would you hold hands and walk?

a. Yes ---- Go to Question 15.

b. No ---- Go to Question 16.


Question 12.
Wearing a newly bought swimsuit, would you feel especially eye-catching' and 'sharp' when walking by the pool?

a. Yes --- go to Question 14.

b. No --- go to Question 16.


Question 13.
Are you the impulsive type? Always acting on the instant you get the idea without thinking carefully.

a. Yes ---- Type A

b. No ---- Go to Question 14.



Question 14.
Do you still maintain friendship with your ex-boyfriend/girlfriend?

a. Yes ---- Type B

b. No ----- Go to Question 15.



Question 15.
Every time you pack for a tour, you would always end up packing more than what you need?

a. Yes ---- go to Question 16.

b. No --- Type C



Question 16.
Do you mind sharing the same cup with others?

a. Yes --- Type D

b. No ---- Type C


END OF QUESTIONS

Now scroll.... scroll .... to see the results.













































RESULT
TYPE A --- 90% FLIRT
You fall in love easily most of the time getting trapped in a triangular relationship. Adding to the fact that you do not commit to your partner, you enjoy having suitors. To put it simply, YOU ARE FAR FROM FAITHFUL.


TYPE B --- 70% FLIRT
You are partially flirtatious by nature. You enjoy being pampered and pursued by others so occasionally you would harbor the thoughts of 'stepping on 2 boats'. BUT...as you are sensitive to your partner, you do try to restrain yourself.


TYPE C --- 40% FLIRT
You are shy by nature and have only a small circle of friends. This attributes to the fact that you would not have a high chance of getting trapped in a triangular relationship.


TYPE D --- 0% FLIRT
You have high morality and it’s against infidelity. Whoever is with you is the most fortunate but pray that your partner does not belong to any of the above group!


GO BACK QUESTIONARE

Singaporean Life????

Hai Ya (Sigh!) ....it's never easy to be s'poreans.... Just take a look at the > below passage, humorous but that's reality!

I am Ong Ah Bee living in Kampong Chai Chee
Life used to be simple and HAPPY
I worked hard in my STUDIES
I learned A-B-C, and everything from 1, 2, and 3.
Primary school was quite easy I passed PSLE.

Then I went to SECONDARY.
The subjects include HISTORY, GEOGRAPHY Physics, Biology and CHEMISTRY.
After O levels I went to JC
I was quite LUCKY.

This is a small humid tropical COUNTRY Surrounded by unknown potential ENEMIES.
Boys turned 18 must go to ARMY. After that we must continue our Studies.
The girls can just sit back, relax, and watch TV.
They come to this world only to "Chia Liao Bi"

No one lives on free meals or depends on CHARITY.
I had no money to go to University or Poly.
So I went to work at a FACTORY. Trying to earn a little lousy SALARY.
After CPF and INCOME TAX, I have just enough money to buy ROTI and ride in MRT.

Colleagues at work used to be FRIENDLY.
Always treat me to tea and COFFEE
Somehow they turned FISHY Passing bad remarks about me Telling everybody I am LAZY.

My bosses show me no SYMPATHY Mumbling over my shoulder daily : "HURRY, HURRY and
HURRY !"
Accusing me of always trying to get MC.
But my sickness was due to over stretch OT
Going home after midnight by TAXI and They pay me only bus fee

I Park-Tor and became STEADY Finally had to MARRY
I lost money holding Wedding Dinner PARTY Cheeky friends donating only cheap PANTY

After marriage, nothing was EASY
In one year, I became DADDY
I can't support my family and our BABY
Being tied down for life to repay HDB and rising monthly utilities to PUB
My bank account has NO MONEY
POSB balance is almost EMPTY
DBS wants to charge me EXTRA FEE Insisting that "Nothing is FREE!"
So I moonlight as KARANG GUNI

Many times I want to jump into the sea to MATI
But that is not EASY.
My wife cries: "Who is going to support me and our BABY?"
So I can't MATI .

I went to seek assistance from the MP His reply was simple and easy:
"Vote for me, vote for me, vote for me". He never tell me any convincing Policy.

My dear friends, can you pls help Ong Ah Bee

Reg

kc

WHEN CLONE WENT WRONG -- PART II

<

When Clone Went Wrong...Part I

Eleven Things Learned from Noah's Ark

>>>One
>>>Don't miss the boat.
>>>
>>>Two
>>>Remember that we are all in the same boat.
>>>
>>>Three
>>>Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built
>>>the Ark.
>>>
>>>Four
>>>Stay fit. When you're 600 years old,
>>>someone may ask you to do something really
>>>big.
>>>
>>>Five
>>>Don't listen to critics;
>>>just get on with the job that needs to be done.
>>>
>>>Six
>>>Build your future on high ground.
>>>
>>>Seven
>>>For safety's sake, travel in pairs.
>>>
>>>Eight
>>>Speed isn't always an advantage.
>>>The snails were on board with the cheetahs.
>>>
>>>Nine
>>>When you're stressed, float a while.
>>>
>>>Ten
>>>Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs;
>>>the Titanic by professionals.
>>>
>>>Eleven
>>>No matter the storm, when you are with G~d,
>>>there's always a rainbow waiting.

KISS

At a dinner party, the speaker who was the guest of honor was about to deliver his speech when his wife,who was sitting at the other end of the table, sent him a piece of paper with the word "KISS" scribbled onit.

A guest seated next to the speaker said, "Your wife has sent you a KISS before you begin your speech. She must love you very much.

"The speaker replied, "You don't know my wife.
The letters stand for "Keep It Short, Stupid."

MARRIAGE LIFE

MARRIAGE (Part I)
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, laid down the following rules: "I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want - and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"
His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there'll be sex here at ten o'clock every night......whether you're here or not."


MARRIAGE (PART II)
Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary.
The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever.'
"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads,"Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last."


MARRIAGE (PART III)
A husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house.
After sometime, he realises he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up.
She comes to the phone after many rings and the irritated husband says, "What took you so long to answer the phone?"
She says, "I was in bed."
"In bed this late.....doing what?" he asked.
"Getting a second opinion!"


MARRIAGE (PART IV)
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement.He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.
One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of six'?"
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"


MARRIAGE (PART V)
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. The next week the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 am for a flight to Europe.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he finally wrote on a piece of paper,"Please wake me tomorrow morning at 5:00 am".
The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00am, and that he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't woken him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed....it said "It's 5:00am, wake up."

Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman.
The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one has to leave, because otherwise they are all going to fall.

They were not able to name that person, until the woman held a very touching speech.
She said that she will voluntarily let go of the rope, because as a woman she is used to give up everything for her husband and kids, or for men in general, without ever getting anything in return.

As soon as she finished her speech, all men started clapping their hands............

SEND THIS STORY TO AN INTELLIGENT WOMAN, SO THAT SHE HAS SOMETHING TO SMILE ABOUT TODAY, AND TO THOSE GUYS WHO YOU THINK CAN DEAL WITH REALITY.......

Who is God?

A fifth grade teacher in a Christian school asked her class to look at TV commercials and see if they could use them in some way to communicate ideas about God.

Here are some of the results:

God is like.. BAYER ASPIRIN
He works miracles.

God is like... a FORD
He's got a better idea.

God is like... COKE
He's the real thing.

and This is great!!!

God is like... HALLMARK CARDS
He cares enough to send His very best.

God is like... TIDE
He gets the stains out that others leave behind.

God is like... GENERAL ELECTRIC
He brings good things to life.

God is like... SEARS
He has everything.

God is like... ALKA-SELTZER
Try Him, you'll like Him

God is like... SCOTCH TAPE
You can't see him, but you know He's there.

God is like... DELTA
He's ready when you are.

God is like... ALLSTATE
You're in good hands with Him.

God is like...VO-5 Hair Spray
He holds through all kinds of weather.

God is like... DIAL SOAP
Aren't you glad you have Him? Don't you wish everybody did?

God is like...the U.S. POST OFFICE
Neither rain, nor snow, nor sleet nor ice will keep Him from His appointed destination.

Used Car

It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds.
As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car.!
He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car.
Were they trying to steal it?
"Heavens no, we bought it!!."
"Then why don't you drive it away."
"We can't drive."
"Then why did you buy it?"
"We were told that if we bought a Used car here we'd get screwed ...so we're just waiting.

Toons for You all...

Lessons to Treat People

1 - First Important Lesson - Cleaning Lady.
During my second month of college, our professor gave us a pop quiz. I was a conscientious student and had breezed through the questions until I read the last one: "What is the first name of the woman who cleans the school?"
Surely this was some kind of joke. I had seen the cleaning woman several times. She was tall, dark-haired and in her 50s, but how would I know her name?
I handed in my paper, leaving the last question blank. Just before class ended, one student a sked if the last question would count toward our quiz grade.
"Absolutely," said the professor. "In your careers, you will meet many people. All are significant. They deserve your attention and care, even if all you do is smile and say "hello."
I've never forgotten that lesson. I also learned her name was Dorothy.
----------------------------------------------------------------------

2. - Second Important Lesson - Pickup in the Rain
One night, at 11:30 p.m., an older African American woman was standing on the side of an Alabama highway trying to endure a lashing rainstorm. Her car had broken down and she desperately needed a ride. Soaking wet, she decided to flag down the next car.
A young white man stopped to help her, generally unheard of in those conflict-filled 60s.. The man took her to safety, helped her get assistance and put her into a taxicab.
She seemed to be in a big hurry, but wrote down his address and thanked him.

Seven days went by and a knock came on the man's door. To his surprise, a giant console color TV was delivered to his home. A special note was attached..
It read: "Thank you so much for assisting me on the highway the other night. The rain drenched not only my clothes, but also my spirits. Then you came along. Because of you, I was able to make it to my dying husband's bedside just before he passed away... God bless you for helping me and unselfishly serving others."
Sincerely, Mrs. Nat King Cole.
---------------------------------------------------------------

3 - Third Important Lesson - Always remember those who serve.
In the days when an ice cream sundae cost much less, a 10-year-old boy entered a hotel coffee shop and sat at a table. A waitress put a glass of water in front of him.
"How much is an ice cream sundae?" he asked.
"Fifty cents," replied the waitress.
The little boy pulled is hand out of his pocket and studied the coins in it.
"Well, how much is a plain dish of ice cream?" he inquired.
By now more people were waiting for a table and the waitress was growing impatient.
"Thirty-five cents," she brusquely replied.
The little boy again counted his coins.
"I'll have the plain ice cream," he said.
The waitress brought the ice cream, put the bill on the table and walked away.
The boy finished the ice cream, paid the cashier and left. When the waitress came back, she began to cry as she wiped down the table. There, placed neatly beside the empty dish, were two nickels and five pennies..

You see, he couldn't have the sundae, because he had to have enough left to leave her a tip.
-----------------------------------------------------------------

4 - Fourth Important Lesson. - The obstacle in Our Path.
In ancient times, a King had a boulder placed on a roadway. Then he hid himself and watched to see if anyone would remove the huge rock. Some of the king's wealthiest merchants and courtiers came by and simply walked around it. Many loudly blamed the King for not keeping the roads clear, but none did anything about getting the stone out of the way.

Then a peasant came along carrying a load of vegetables. Upon approaching the boulder, the peasant laid down his burden and tried to move the stone to the s ide of the road. After much pushing and straining, he finally succeeded. After the peasant picked up his load of vegetables, he noticed a purse lying in the road where the boulder had been. The purse contained many gold coins and a note from the King indicating that the gold was for the person who removed the boulder from the roadway. The peasant learned what many of us never understand!

Every obstacle presents an opportunity to improve our condition.
------------------------------------------------------------------

5 - Fifth Important Lesson - Giving When it Counts...
Many years ago, when I worked as a volunteer at a hospital, I got to know a little girl named Liz who was suffering from a rare & serious disease. Her only chance of recovery appeared to be a blood transfusion from her 5-year old brother, who had miraculously survived the same disease and had developed the antibodies needed to combat the illness.

The doctor explained the situation to her little brother, and asked the little boy if he would be willing to give his blood to his sister. I saw him hesitate for only a moment before taking a deep breath and saying, "Yes I'll do it if it will save her."

As the transfusion progressed, he lay in bed next to his sister and smiled, as we all did, seeing the color returning to her cheek. Then his face grew pale and his smile faded.

He looked up at the doctor and asked with a trembling voice, "Will I start to die right away".
Being young, the little boy had misunderstood the doctor; he thought he was going to have to give his sister all of his blood in order to save her.

Stress Relievers ... Jokes for the day

Stress Reliever # 1
Wife: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
Hubby: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Wife: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Hubby: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one?"

_____________________________________________________
Stress Reliever # 2
Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.
Boy: It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.
Girl: Well that's because we aren't married yet.

___________________________________________________
Stress Reliever # 3
Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.
Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.
Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.

_____________________________________________________
Stress Reliever # 4
Wife to husband: "What's your excuse for coming home at this time of the night?"
Husband to wife: "Golfing with friends, my dear."
Wife to husband: "What? At 2 am?!"
Husband to wife: "Yes, We used night clubs."

_____________________________________________________
Stress Reliever # 5
A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?"
"Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE"

_____________________________________________________
Stress Reliever # 6
Father to son after exam: "Let me see your report card."
Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."

_____________________________________________________
Stress Reliever # 7
"How was your blind date?" a college student asked her roommate.
"Terrible!" the roommate answered.
"He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce."
Wow! That's a very expensive car. What's so bad about that?"
"He was the original owner."

_____________________________________________________
Stress Reliever # 9
A teacher asked her class for sentences using the word "beans"..
"My father grows beans," said one student.
"My father cooks beans," said another.
Then little Johnny spoke up: "We are all human beans."

_____________________________________________________
Stress Reliever # 10
Interviewer to Millionaire: To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire?"
Millionaire: "I owe everything to my wife."
Interviewer: "Wow, she must be some woman. What were you before you married her?"
Millionaire: "A Billionaire"

Seasons of a Tree

There was a man who had four sons. He wanted his sons to learn not to judge things too quickly. So he sent them each on a quest, in turn, to go and look at a pear tree that was a great distance away.

The first son went in the winter, the second in the spring, the third in summer, and the youngest son in the fall.
When they had all gone and come back, he called them together to describe what they had seen.

The first son said that the tree was ugly, bent, and twisted.

The second son said no--it was covered with green buds and full of promise.

The third son disagreed, he said it was laden with blossoms that smelled so sweet and looked so beautiful, it was the most graceful thing he had ever seen.

The last son disagreed with all of them; he said it was ripe and drooping with fruit, full of life and fulfillment.

The man then explained to his sons that they were all right, because they had each seen but ONLY one season in the tree's life. He told them that you cannot judge a tree, or a person, by only one season, and that the essence of who they are--and the pleasure, joy, and love that come from that life--can only be measured at the end, when all the seasons are up. If you give up when it's winter, you will miss the promise of your spring, the beauty of your summer, fulfillment of your fall. Don't let the pain of one season destroy the joy of all the rest .Don't judge life by one difficult season. Persevere through the difficult patches and better times are sure to come some time or later.

Author: Unknown

TALL ORDER

A lonely widow, aged 70, decided that is was time to get married again.

She put an ad in the local newspaper that read:
HUSBAND WANTED:
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's)
MUST NOT BEAT ME
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day she heard the doorbell.
Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheel chair. He had no arms or legs. "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?" the widow said. "Just look at you .... you have no legs!" The old gentleman smiled, "Therefore, I cannot run around on you!"

"You don't have any arms either!" she snorted. Again, the old man smiled, "Therefore, I can never beat you!"

She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, "Are you still good in bed??" The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said, "I rang the door bell, didn't I?"

Singapore-Malaysia, Comparison of their Ministers

SINGAPORE CABINET

PM Lee Hsien Loong Cambridge University - First Class Honours (1974) Harvard University - Masters (1980)

SM Goh Chok Tong University of Singapore - First Class Honours (1964) Williams College, USA - Masters (1967)

MM Lee Kuan Yew Cambridge University - First Class Honours (1949)

Minister for Law Prof. S Jayakumar University of Singapore - Bachelor of Law Honours (1963) Yale Univerity - Masters (1966)

Minister for Home Affairs Wong Kan Seng University of Singapore - Bachelor of Arts & Business Admin (1977) London Business School - Masters (1979)

Minister for Foreign Affairs BG George Yeo Cambridge University - Double First Class Honours (1976) Harvard Business School - MBA w/Distinction (1985)

Minister for Trade and Industry Lim Hng Kiang Cambridge University - First Class Honours w/ Distinction (1976) Harvard University - Masters (1986)

Minister for Defence Teo Chee Hean University of Manchester - First Class Honours (1976) Imperial College, London - Masters w/ Distinction (1977)

Minister for Education Tharman Shanmugaratnam London School of Economics - Bachelor of Arts Cambridge University - Masters Harvard University - Masters _____________________________________________
MALAYSIAN CABINET

PM Abdullah bin Haji Ahmad Badawi University of Malaya - Bachelor of Arts Honours: Islamic Studies (1964)

Deputy PM Dato' Sri Najib Razak University of Nottingham - Bachelor of Arts Honours (1974)

Minister of Foregn Affairs Syed Hamid Albar (can someone tell me his univeristy?) - Bachelor of Arts

Ministry of Works Dato' Seri Samy Vellu (Education Unknown)

Ministry of International Trade & Industry Rafidah binti Aziz Universiti Malaya - Bachelor of Arts Honours

Minister of Agriculture Muhyiddin Yassin (Education Unknown) Ministry of Domestic Trade Shafie Apdal (Education Unknown)

Minister of Education Hishammuddin Hussein (Education Unknown)

Minister of Home Affairs Radzi bin Sheikh Ahmad (Education Unknown)

This is why Malaysia is desperate to get Khairy Jamaluddin up fast...because he is from Cambridge...God knows how he got in!

(source from AmyD, JB)

The 99 Club

Something to ponder....it's a club one should evaluate the worth of its membership..

Once upon a time, there lived a King who, despite his luxurious lifestyle, was neither happy nor content. One day, the King came upon a servant who was singing happily while he worked. This fascinated the King; why was he, the Supreme Ruler of the Land, unhappy and gloomy, while a lowly servant had so much joy in his heart?
The King asked the servant, "Why are you so happy?" The man replied, "Your Majesty, I am nothing but a servant, but my family and I don't need too much - just a roof over our heads and warm food to fill our tummies."

Later in the day, the King sought the advice of his most trusted advisor. After hearing the King's woes and the servant's story, the advisor said, "Your Majesty, I believe that the servant has not been made part of The 99 Club."

"The 99 Club? And what exactly is that?" the King inquired.
The advisor replied, "Your Majesty, to truly know what The 99 Club is, place 99 Gold coins in a bag and leave it at this servant's doorstep."

When the servant saw the bag, he took it into his house. When he opened the bag, he let out a great shout of joy... so many gold coins! He began to count them. After several counts, he was at last convinced that there were 99 coins. He wondered, "What could've happened to that last gold coin? Surely, no one would leave 99 coins!" He looked everywhere he could, but that final coin was elusive.

Finally, exhausted, he decided that he was going to have to work harder than ever to earn that gold coin and complete his collection. From that day, the servant's life was changed. He was overworked, horribly grumpy, and castigated his family for not helping him make that 100th gold coin. He stopped singing while he worked.

Witnessing this drastic transformation, the King was puzzled. When he sought his advisor's help, he advisor said, "Your Majesty, the servant has now officially joined The 99 Club." He continued, "The 99 Club is a name given to those people who have enough to be happy but are never contented, because they're always yearning and striving for that extra 1 to round it out to 100! We can be happy, even with very little in our lives, but the minute we're given something bigger and better, we want even more! We lose our sleep, our happiness, we hurt the people around us; all these as a price for our growing needs and desires. That's what joining The 99 Club is all about."

Be Honest (Australian Students)

At Sydney University, there were four students taking Organic Chemistry.
They did so well on all the quizzes, midterms and labs, etc. that each had an A so far for the semester.

These four friends were so confident with the finals approaching that the weekend before, they decided to go down to Canberra and party with some friends there.
They had a great time. However, after all the hard partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Sydney until early Monday morning -the morning of their final exam!

Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor AFTER the exam and explain to him why they missed it. They explained that they had gone to Canberra to do some research in the ANU archives for the weekend with the plan to come back in time to study, but unfortunately, they had a flat tyre on the way back, didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time. As a result, they only just arrived now!

The professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up their final exam the following day.

The guys were elated and relieved. They studied hard that night all night - and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them. He placed each of them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet, (which was out of 100 points) and told them to begin.
The first problem was worth five points. It was something simple about Free radical formation. "Cool," they all thought in their rooms, "this is going to be easy."
Each finished the problem and then turned the page for the Next question.
See below!
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Question 2 (for 95 points): Which tyre was punctured?>

Mr. Bean Jokes

BRAIN TUMOR
Doctor: I regret to tell you that you have a brain tumor.
Mr. Bean: Yesss!!! (jumps in joy)
Doctor: Did you understand what I just told you?
Mr. Bean: Yes of course, do you think I'm dumb?
Doctor: Then why are you so happy?
Mr. Bean: Because that proves that I have a brain!

MR. BEAN WHILE IN GRADE SCHOOL
Teacher: What is 5 plus 4?
Mr. Bean: 9
Teacher: What is 4 plus 5?
Mr. Bean: Are you trying to fool me, you've just twisted the figure, the answer is 6!!

WHILE IN A DRUG STORE
Mr. Bean: I'd like some vitamins for my grandson.
Clerk: Sir, vitamin A, B or C?
Mr. Bean: Any will do, my grandson doesn't know the alphabet yet!!

QUEUING BEHIND HIS FRIEND AT AN ATM MACHINE
Friend: What are you looking at?
Mr. Bean: I know your PIN number, hee, hee.
Friend: Alright, what is my PIN number if you saw it?
Mr. Bean: Four asterisks!

HOW MANY?
Friend: How many women do you believe must a man marry?
Mr. Bean: 16
Friend: Why?
Mr. Bean: Because the priest says 4 richer, 4 poorer, 4 better and 4 worse.

CHATTING WITH HIS FRIEND
Friend: How was the tape you borrowed from me, is it OK?
Mr. Bean: What do you mean OK, I thought it's a horror film. I didn't see any picture.
Friend: What tape did you take anyway?
Mr. Bean: Head Cleaner.

MOM'S DEAD
Mr. Bean: (crying) The doctor called, Mom's dead.
Friend: Condolence, my friend.

After 2 minutes Mr. Bean cries even louder
Friend: What now?
Mr. Bean: My sister just called, her mom died too!

MR. BEAN ATTENDING A MEETING
Colleague: Sorry I'm late. I got stuck in an elevator for 4 hrs because of a power failure.
Mr. Bean: Thats alright, me too...I got stuck on the escalator for 3 hrs.

SPELLING LESSON
Mr. Bean's Son: Dad, what is the spelling of successful ....is it one c or two c?
Mr. Bean: Make it three c to be sure

English...

There was this Asian lady married to an English gentleman and they lived in London. The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but managed to communicate with her husband.

The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries. One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy pork legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, lifted up her skirt to show her thighs.
The butcher got the message and the lady went home with pork legs.

The next day, she needed to get chicken breasts. Again, she didnït know how to say, and so she unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breast. The lady got what she wanted.

The third day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. She brought her husband to the store....................so what did she do?

What were you thinking?
??
What?
??
What is that?
???


HellOOOooooooOOOooo, her husband speaks English.

International Database Driving License

Did you know that now you can find anyone's Drivers License on the Internet including your own?
It's an American database, but apparently it links into Asean countries as well.
I just searched for my license, and there it was, picture and all. This was something I didn't know you could do. I'm not sure I like this info out there for anyone to access.
Just check by click here http://www.license.shorturl.com/

Come - Coming - Come

One day there is Red Indian Couple live at mountain.
They have no children yet, and the husband said to the wife " HONEY, I want go to city work of Yankee, coz we have No MONEY so next time No HONEY for me I becomeBARNEY (Purple dinosaur)?
So the wife answered"OK HANDSOME coz u need more INCOME so u can go, but dont forget to COME ok".

Then the husband go to other city for one year over. When he back he saw the wife carry small new born baby. He is still wonder and dun believe it and ask her angrily" HONEY how COME so many months I never COME, but why the baby COME?.
But wife answered lightly " Hey HANDSOME becoz so many months u never COME, and no news COME, so I have no INCOME. When other HANDSOME COME, so I WELCOME, tats why baby COME"

STuPiDiTy.....

STUPID OR WHAT???
********************************
Two rich men were talking over coffee one day and one of them said to the other one. "Hey I tell you my driver is really stupid. If you don't believe me I'll show you."
He called his driver Ah Beng over and said, "Ah Beng, here is a $10 note, go to the car showroom and buy me a Mercedes". To which Ah Beng replied, "Yes Sir! Right away,Sir!" and rushed off to the Showroom.
The rich man then turned to his friend and said, "See, I told you he was stupid."

The other rich man said, "That's nothing, you want to see stupid, I will show you stupid." And he called his driver, Ali. "Ali, go home now and check to see if I'm at home." To which Ali said, "Yes Sir! Right away, Sir!" and ran home.
See what I told you? He doesn't even have enough brains to know that I cannot be at home if I am here."

Later on, the two drivers met on the road. Ah Beng said to Ali, "Eh, you know my boss is sooooooo stupid. He gave me $10 and asked me to go to the car showroom and buy him a Mercedes..... Doesn't he know that today is Sunday lah, the showroom is closed!"
Ali replied, "You think your boss is stupid? My boss lagi (much more) worse, he asked me to go home to check if he is at home... He got handphone what, can just call up to check lah, bodoh!!!"

*****************************************************
CAR

Beng and Seng excited and locked the car in a hurry, forgetting to remove the key which was in the ignition. Realizing the mistake, Beng asked, 'Why don't we get a coat hanger to open it."
''No, that won't work', answered Seng. 'People will think we're trying to break in.' Then Beng suggested, 'What if we use a pocket knife to cut around the rubber, then stick a finger in and pull up the lock?''. 'No,' said Seng. 'People will think we're too dumb not to use a coat hanger.'

The kan cheong [Hokkian: nervous] Beng shouted, 'we'd better think of something fast. It's starting to rain and the sunroof is open'

******************************************************
PIZZA

Ah Beng ordered a pizza and the waitress asked if he should cut it in six or twelve piecesSix, please. I could never eat twelve pieces.

******************************************************
DEAD BIRD
"Oh, look at the dead bird."
Ah Beng looked skyward and said "Where, Where got?"

******************************************************

NOT MY BROTHER!

A pregnant woman gets into a car accident and falls into a deep coma.Asleep for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them."The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother -- he's an idiot!"
Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?""Denise," the doctor says. The new mother thinks, "Wow, that's not a bad name! Guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise!" Then she asks the doctor, "What's The boy's name?"
The doctor replies, "DeNephew".

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ITALIAN ....

To impress his date, the young man took her to a very chic Italian restaurant. After sipping some fine wine, he picked up the menu and ordered."We'll have the Giuseppe Spomdalucci," he said.
"Sorry, sir," said the waiter, "That"s the owner."

Tahu Diri dong...!

Mbah tua dan suster cantik
Tadi pagi mbah mampir ke klinik buat ngetes darah, sapa tau mbah kolesterolnya tinggi, gak disangka dan gak diduga yg nerima susternya cuantik dan seksi. Mbah jadi inget waktu seumuran dia dulu. Setelah duduk dimeja, tangan mbah dipegang ama suster tsb dan jari tengah mbah dicocok pake jarum, trus beberapa tetes darah ditaruh di tester.
Setelah itu suster ingin membersihkan sisa darah yang dijari, dicarinya tissue, eh gak ada, kapas gak ada, tanpa pikir panjang suster memasukkan jari mbah dimulutnya trus dihisap.
Melihat itu mbah bengong trus tanpa pikir panjang mbah bilang, "Boleh test urine sekalian gak sus"

Ajaran 3B
Seorang pemuda datang berkonsultasi kepada pendeta.
Pemuda : "Pendeta, mengapa saya tidak pernah menemukan jodoh saya? Mengapa saya belum berhasil mendapatkan seorang pacar sekalipun?"
Pendeta: "Gadis seperti apa yang kau inginkan?"
Pemuda : "Saya menginginkan gadis yang putih, cantik, tinggi, pintar, perhatian dan mencintai saya."
Pendeta: "Ohhh ... kalau begitu kamu harus melaksanakan ajaran "3B".
"B" yang pertama adalah "BERUSAHA", apakah kamu sudah cukup berusaha?"
Pemuda : "Wah ... yang namanya usaha tuh sudah saya lakukan dengan maksimal. Sudah sangat banyak tempat yang saya lalui demi mendapatkan gadis impian saya itu."

Pendeta: "Kalau begitu kamu harus melaksanakan "B" yang kedua, yaitu "BERDOA" bila perlu berdoa dan berpuasa."
Pemuda : "Pak Pendeta, setiap hari saya berdoa untuk hal ini, bahkan berpuasa Senin Kamis ...."

Pendeta: "Wah, mungkin kamu harus melaksanakan ajaran "B" yg ketiga."
Pemuda : "Apa itu, Pak?"
Pendeta: "BERCERMIN!"