Wife & Girl Friend

Difference between "Wife" and "Girlfriend"

Some people say :Wife is a HARIMAU ............ .....

Girlfriend is HARI HARI MAU

And some say: Wife is like TV,

Girlfriend is like Handphone (HP)

At home watch TV, Go out bring HP.

No money, sell TV. Got money change HP.

Sometimes enjoy TV but most of the time play with HP.

TV free for life but HP, if you don't pay, the services will be terminated.

TV is big, bulky and most of the time old but HP, is cute, slim, curvy and very portable at any time.

Operational cost for TV is often acceptable but for HP is high and often demanding.

Most Important, TV got remote but HP doesn't have.

Last but not least....... TV do not have virus but HP have VIRUS....

Once get it, HABIS LAH.

So better choose TV lah!

Giant Caterpillar

Giant caterpillar was found in Australia..

Chinese & Spielberg

Suatu malam di Amerika, seorang pria China masuk ke sebuah bar dan melihat sutradara kondang Steven Spielberg (sutradara Titanic dan Jurassic Park).
Dengan hati gembira, dia bergegas menghampiri untuk minta tanda tangan.
Sayang, bukan tanda tangan yang didapat, Spielberg malah menamparnya dan berkata, "Kalian orang Chinese, mengebom Pearl Harbour, enyah dari sini."
Spontan pria itu menjawab, "Bukan Chinese yang mengebom Pearl Harbour, tapi Japanese". "Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, kalian sama saja" ujar Spielberg.
Merasa dongkol atas perlakuan tadi, dia balas menampar Spielberg dan berseru, "Kamu yang menenggelamkan Titanic, kakek moyang saya ada dikapal itu!"
Terkejut, Spielberg menjawab, "Iceberg (gunung es) yang menenggelamkan kapal itu, bukan saya!"
Pria China itu lalu berkata dengan kalem, "Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, kalian semua sama saja…"
(Humor ini memenangkan award sebagai "the best joke" dalam sebuah kompetisi di Inggris)

Translation in English:
A Chinese walks into a bar in America late one night and he saw Steven Spielberg. As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph. Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says, "You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Habour, get outta here." The astonished Chinese man replied, "It was not the Chinese who bombed your Pearl Harbour, it was the Japanese".
"Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you're all the same," replied Spielberg.
In return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says, "You sank the Titanic, my forefathers were on that ship." Shocked, Spielberg replies, "It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me." The Chinese replies, "Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you're all the same."
(This particular joke won an award for the best joke in a competition organized in Britain )

Test your vocabulary

TESTING YOUR VOCABULARY*
1) What is a four-letter word that ends in k and means the same as intercourse?
2) What is it that a cow has four of and a woman has only two of?
3) What can you find in a man's pants that is about six inches long, has a head on it, and that women love so much that they often blow it?
4) What word starts with f and ends with u-c-k? It's something that you'll need when things are heated up.
5) What four letter word begins with f and ends with k, and if you can't get one you can use your hands?
6) What is hard, six inches long, has two nuts, and can make a girl fat?
7) What is it that all men have one of; it's longer on some men than on others; the pope doesn't use his; and a man gives it to his wife after they're married?

PLEASE SEE THE ANSWER

ANSWERS:
1. (talk)
2. (legs)
3. (a twenty dollar bill)
4. (firetruck)
5. (fork)
6. (Almond Joy candy bar)
7. (last name)

Jokes that can be told in church

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, 'Why is the bride dressed in white?'' The mother replied, 'Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life.' The child thought about this for a moment then said, 'So why is the groom wearing black?'
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, 'Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!' While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clot hes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again! As she ran she once again began to pray, 'Dear Lord, please don't let me be late...But please don't shove me either!'
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, 'My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50.' The second boy says, 'That's nothing. My Dad s cribbles a few words on piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100.' The third boy says, 'I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!' ~~~~~~~~~~~~
An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, 'They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A police recruit was asked during the exam, 'What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?' He answered, 'Call for backup.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem . A small child replied, ! 'They couldn't get a baby-sitter.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to 'Honor thy father and thy mother,' she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?' Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, 'Thou shall not kill.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~
At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and she said, 'Johnny, what is the matter?' Little Johnny responded, 'I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil. One said to the other, 'What do you think about all this Satan stuff?' The other boy replied, 'Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your Dad.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You don't stop laughing because you grow old. You grow old because you stop laughing! Take heed and pass these along to people who need a laugh.

Skandal Seks di DPR

SKANDAL SEKS DI DPR MEMICU TERJADINYA PEMERASAN

Seorang anggota Dewan pada suatu siang ditelepon oleh seorang perempuan.

Suara di sana berkata, "Selamat siang Bapak Anggota Dewan." Dari

suaranya perempuan itu masih muda.

"Siang." "Ini siapa ya?" tanya anggota Dewan itu. "Saya Anne, yang

pernah tidur bersama Bapak waktu itu," jawab si perempuan.

"Hahh???" sang anggota DPR terdengar penasaran.

"Kalau Bapak tidak ingin rahasia itu terbongkar, Bapak harus memberi

saya uang tutup mulut!" ancam si perempuan.

"Oke, baiklah," jawab anggota Dewan itu pasrah. Kemudian dia berpikir,

di mana pernah meniduri perempuan tersebut? Di luar negeri? Di luar

Jawa? Di luar Jakarta ? Atau hanya di seputaran Jakarta saja?



Beberapa hari kemudian si anggota Dewan itu menyerahkan sejumlah uang di

suatu tempat yang telah ditentukan. Uang itu diterima oleh kurir sang

perempuan.

Tetapi, setelah beberapa hari kemudian, si perempuan itu menelepon lagi

dan meminta hal yang sama. Dengan hati yang masih penasaran, anggota

Dewan yang terhormat itu mengabulkan permintaannya.

Tetapi, anehnya setelah beberapa minggu kemudian, wanita itu meminta hal

yang sama dengan ancaman yang sama. Akhirnya, dengan pasrah anggota

Dewan itu mengabulkan permintaan tersebut.

Walaupun begitu, anggota Dewan itu menjawab dalam teleponnya.

"Okelah aku kabulkan permintaanmu. Tetapi, jangan bikin penasaran gitu

dong. Saya cuma ingin tahu emangnya kita pernah tidur bersama dimana dan

kapan itu terjadi?"

Wanita itu menjawab dengan sangat lembutnya : "Kita kan sama-sama

anggota DPR, kita kan pernah tidur bersama diruang sidang utama pada

waktu Bu Mega membacakan pidato beliau di Gedung MPR-DPR tahun lalu!"



"Hah? Sang anggota DPR pun pingsan karena terlanjur memberi uang kepada

wanita itu sebesar Rp 500 juta.....

Makanya jangan tidur kalau sidang pak!!! he...he...he. ..

Suara Hati Anak Pantai

Puisi Anak Bali yg menentang UU Pornografi:

Bang Rhoma yang saya hormati...
Jangan salah kan turis pakai bikini
Mereka mencari matahari
Di pantai kebanggaan negeri ini
Untuk itu tolong pahami
Tak mungkin berjemur pakai dasi

Bang Rhoma yang saya hormati...
Mulailah introspeksi diri
Kelak kau temukan kebenaran sejati
Jangan banyak teori
Apalagi merasa suci
Engkau sendiri berpoligami
Kami anak pantai
Terbiasa dengan pemandangan begini
Biar pun rambut warna-warni
Kami masih punya nurani
Tak pernah ada syahwat menari

Bang Rhoma yang saya hormati...
Silahkan engkau datang kemari
Nikmati alam anugerah ilahi
Kami sambut dengan suka hati
Surfing pun kami ajari
Meluncur di atas ombak tinggi
Akan tetapi....
Jangan engkau pelototi
Kalau ada bodi seksi
Apalagi sampai birahi

Bang Rhoma yang saya hormati...
Mereka jangan dicaci maki
Apalagi dituduh pornografi
Semua itu keindahan tubuh yang alami
Dari negeri Sakura sampai Chili
Semua ada disini
Biarkan semua bangsa berbaur dalam damai
Mereka tidak cari sensasi
Tapi menghilangkan kepenatan sehari-hari
Jangan fanatik budaya Arab Saudi
Ingat budaya Indonesia asli
Sensual tapi penuh arti
Jika kau paksa terapkan di Bali
Semua itu akan jadi basi

Bang Rhoma yang saya hormati...
Jika engkau sudah datang kemari
Satu hal yang saya peringati
Meski ada turis cantik sekali
Jangan kau jadikan istri

One Hole Behind You..>!

A guy was playing golf one day and he got lost. He saw a lady up ahead of him and went to her and said, "Can you please help me, I don't know what hole I'm on." She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 7; you're on 6."
He thanked her and continued playing golf. Later he got lost again. He saw the same lady and went to her again kind of embarrassed. "I'm sorry to bother you again but I'm lost again, can you please tell me what hole I'm on."
She told him "you are one hole behind me. I'm on 14; you are on 13."
Again he thanked her and continued playing golf.
When he finished he saw her in the clubhouse. He went upto her and asked if he could buy her a drink for helping him out. She accepted. As they were drinking and talking he asked her what she did for a living.
"I'm in sales."
He replied, "No kidding so am I. What do you sell?"
She said it's too embarrassing to tell. But after he kept pleading to know what she sold she said she'd tell him if he promised not to laugh. He promised.
She said, "I sell WHISPER (Sanitary Napkins)" .
He immediately fell to the floor laughing hysterically.
She said, "You promised you wouldn't laugh".
He replied, "I'm sorry, but I couldn't help it. I sell toilet paper........I'm still one hole behind you."

ENGLISH

Non-English speaking countries sometimes go out of their way to communicate with their English-speaking tourists:

Cocktail lounge, Norway: LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.
At a Budapest zoo: PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY.
Doctor's office in Rome: SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.
Information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner. Japan: COOLES AND HEATES: IF YOU WANT CONDITION OF WARM AIR IN YOUR ROOM, PLEASE CONTROL YOURSELF.
In a Nairobi restaurant: CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.
On the grounds of a Nairobi private school: NO TRESPASSING WITHOUT PERMISSION.
In Aamchi Mumbai restaurant: OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, AND WEEKENDS TOO.
The best!!!In a Tokyo bar: SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.
Hotel, Japan: YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery: YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS, AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.
Hotel, Zurich: BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.
Advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: TEETH EXTRACTED BY THE LATEST METHODISTS.
A laundry in Rome: LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.
Tourist agency, Czechoslovakia: TAKE ONE OF OUR HORSE-DRIVEN CITY TOURS. WE GUARANTEE NO MISCARRIAGES.
Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand: WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?
The box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong: GUARANTEED TO WORK THROUGHOUT ITS USEFUL LIFE.
Airline ticket office, Copenhagen: WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.
In a Japanese cemetery: PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.

BLURR LIKE OCTOPUS

Very funnie, must read.

Ah Soh wants to buy a TV set. She goes to a shop.

Ah Soh : "Do you have color TV ?"

Salesgirl : "Yes !"

Ah Soh : "Give me a green one, please" ===============================================================

Ah Soh is filling up an application form for a job. She supplied the information for the columns on Name, Age, Address etc. Then she comes to column on "Salary Expected".

She is not sure of the question. After much thought, she writes " Yes" ====================================================================

Ah Soh goes to a store and sees a shiny object.

Ah Soh : "What is that shiny object ?"

Salesgirl : "That is a thermos flask."

Ah Soh : "What does it do ?"

Salesgirl : "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold"

Ah Soh : "I'll buy it"

The next day, Ah Soh goes to work with her thermo flask

Boss : "What is that shiny object ?"

Ah Soh : "It's a thermos flask."

Boss : "What does it do?"

Ah Soh : "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold"

Boss : "What do you have in it ?"

AH Soh : "Two cups of coffee and a coke" (^_^)=====================================================================

After taking photocopies of documents, Ah Soh always compare it with the original for spelling mistakes.

=====================================================================

Ah Soh always smile during lightning storms.

Because she thinks her picture is being taken.

=====================================================================

How can you tell if the fax is from Ah Soh ? Because it has a postage stamp on it.

=====================================================================

Why can't Ah Soh dial 911? Because she can't find the number 11 (eleven) on the phone.

=====================================================================

Ah Soh and her friend board a double-decker bus. Her friend get a seat downstair and Ah Soh goes upstair. After a while, her friend goes upstair to look for Ah Soh and find her clutching the seats in both hands and her body is shivering.

Her friend : "What happen to you? Why are you shivering, I was enjoying my ride downstair"

AhSoh : "Yeah, but you've got a driver but I don't".

Ayam dan Bebek

Cerita oleh Tony Wong dari Cina.
Sepasang pengantin baru tengah berjalan bergandengan tangan di sebuah hutan pada suatu malam musim panas yang indah, seusai makan malam. Mereka sedang menikmati kebersamaan yang menakjubkan tatkala mereka mendengar suara di kejauhan: "Kuek! Kuek!"
"Dengar," kata si istri, "Itu pasti suara ayam."
"Bukan, bukan. Itu suara bebek," kata si suami.
"Nggak, aku yakin itu ayam," si istri bersikeras.
"Mustahil. Suara ayam itu 'kukuruyuuuk! ', bebek itu 'kuek! kuek!' Itu bebek, Sayang," kata si suami dgn disertai gejala-gejala awal kejengkelan.
"Kuek! Kuek!" terdengar lagi.
"Nah, tuh ! Itu suara bebek," kata si suami..
"Bukan, Sayang. Itu ayam. Aku yakin betul," tandas si istri, sembari menghentakkan kaki.
"Dengar ya ! Itu adalah bebek, B-E-B-E-K. Bebek! Mengerti?" si suami berkata dengan gusar.
"Tapi itu ayam," masih saja si istri bersikeras."Itu jelas-jelas bue-bek, kamu? kamu?."
Terdengar lagi suara, "Kuek! Kuek!" sebelum si suami mengatakan sesuatu yang sebaiknya tak dikatakannya.
Si istri sudah hampir menangis, "Tapi itu ayam?.
"Si suami melihat air mata yang mengambang di pelupuk mata istrinya, dan akhirnya, ingat kenapa dia menikahinya. Wajahnya melembut dan katanya dengan mesra, "Maafkan aku, Sayang. Kurasa kamu benar. Itu memang suara ayam kok."
"Terima kasih, Sayang," kata si istri sambil menggenggam tangan suaminya."Kuek! Ku ek!" terdengar lagi suara di hutan, mengiringi mereka berjalan bersama dalam cinta.

Moral cerita :
Maksud dari cerita bahwa si suami akhirnya sadar adalah: siapa sih yang peduli itu ayam atau bebek? Yang lebih penting adalah keharmonisan mereka, yang membuat mereka dapat menikmati kebersamaan pada malam yang indah itu. Berapa banyak pernikahan yang hancur hanya gara-gara persoalan sepele? Berapa banyak perceraian terjadi karena hal-hal "ayam atau bebek"? Ketika kita memahami cerita tersebut, kita akan ingat apa yang menjadi prioritas kita. Banyak hal jauh lebih penting ketimbang mencari siapa yang benar tentang apakah itu ayam atau bebek. Lagi pula, betapa sering kita merasa yakin, amat sangat mantap, mutlak bahwa kita benar, namun belakangan ternyata kita salah? Lho, siapa tahu? Mungkin saja itu adalah ayam yang direkayasa genetik sehingga bersuara seperti bebek !

Komentar pribadi: Jangan sampai urusan bebek atau ayam membuat kehidupan perkawinan kita jadi kacau beliau yang bisa berakibat runyam.. Sekali-kali ngalah juga gak kalah koq... Lha, kalau urusannya sudah gajah sama dinosaurus ... gimana dong? Boleh gak ngalah gak?? Salam.

Avtur*)

Ini guyonan Suroboyoan, maaf untuk yang tidak mengerti bahasa Jawa (tanya sebelahnya ya ...), maaf juga kalo sudah pernah denger ...

Padmo ambek Joko koncoan apik, karo-karone kerjo ndik Lanud Juanda bagian pengisian BBM pesawat.
Bengi-bengi pas udhan deres, Juanda sepi gak onok pesawat sing wani mudhun, wong loro iku malih nganggur gak onok gawean.

"Adem-adem ngene enake ngombe yo" jare Padmo.
"Wah iyo tepak iki. Awakmu tau krungu tah lek avtur iku isok diombe ?" jare Joko.
"Yo tahu se, jarene lek ngombe avtur isok mak busss !! .. kon wani nyobak tah ?" Padmo mulai gunggungan.

Mari ngono arek loro mbukak krane truk tanki avtur.
Wis tuwuk ngombe arek loro iku mulih terus keturon.
Isuke pas Padmo tangi, rasane awake sueger kuat.
Moro-moro onok tilpun muni, tibane Joko sing nilpun.

"Yok opo kon 'Mo ?" jare Joko
"Wah whuenak, kon yok opo ?" jare Padmo
"Awakku yo sueger pisan. Kon gak teler tah ?" jare Joko
"Gak blas, aku yo gak ngelu blas. Wis pokoke enak. Mene nyobak maneh tah ?" jare Padmo
"Yo setuju, cumak aku kate takok, kon wis ngentut dhurung ?" takok Joko
'Dhurung ..."jare Padmo
"Wah gawat iki. Wis pokoke kon ojok sampek ngentut yo. Diempet ae sak kuatmu ..." jare Joko
"Lho opoko masalahe ...?" Padmo bingung
'Soale aku saiki ndik Banjarmasin ..."

*) AVTUR = AVIATION TURBIN FUEL - BAHAN BAKAR PESAWAT TERBANG